Oh hey didn't see you there.
Welcome to my internet or whatever
Anonymous asked: Once you have determined the facts... there's nothing left but to make a decision. You can do this Blake. We are in your corner cheering for you to jump out there and be who you were meant to be.
Thanks mystery person. I’m ready to jump.
PA, TX, PA, CA… CO.
These past few years have been the most challenging and life sucking and dark that I’ve ever been through. Going back even further to high school, life has just been a constant wild goose chase for my identity and what I’m supposed to do. Every decision I’ve made felt like the wrong one and put me two steps forward and three steps back. I’ve ended up alone and angry and depressed. I finally just gave up and screamed COMEDY, rolled my dice, took my chances and moved to LA. I thought there I could remake myself and become the kind of person I could be happy with. Every single step I took in this city has thrown a brick wall in my face and left me completely defeated, broken and alone. I’ve lost my faith, found it, dropped it and watched it shatter and cut myself scrambling to pick up the pieces. I’ve wrestled and fought and tried my best to make sense of it all. Nothing made any sense to me anymore.
I’d lie in bed at night and pray for God to speak to me. My chest would tighten and my breathing would quicken and I tried to find every excuse to keep believing but in the back of my mind there was this unshakable realization: there is no God. We’re all alone. We’ve all been lied to. If anyone could fully grasp the horrors of reality, true reality then we’d all freak out and the world would go into complete disarray and implode on itself. I forced myself to think about Star Wars or poker strategy to clear my mind and let sleep take me just to do it all again tomorrow.
I’m a very visual person. I need to see things to understand them. So when my boss tells me all about my next assignment I have fifty questions about it and it won’t get done correctly unless he answers every question or provides me with an example.
I can’t see God, therefore He doesn’t make any sense to me. It all sounds so fluffy and hopeful and a bit stupid. I don’t want to just hope it’s true. I need to experience it. I want to see for myself.
Last month I was back home for a friend’s wedding and decided to stop in at my home church for a visit. I went half hoping, half expecting something to happen. During the worship songs I kept thinking about just going away. If I were to go anywhere in the world where would I go? If I had to choose would I keep living in LA? The thought of purposely staying any longer than I had to made my stomach hurt. Ok then, where? Immediately mountains flashed in my mind and a weight was lifted off my shoulders. What if I went to Denver? I knew people that had just moved there to plant a church and I couldn’t shake this feeling that that was where I was being led. But the voice in my head said, “no, that’s stupid. You just moved across the country less than a year ago and already you’re going to do it again? No. Stupid idea.“
After the service I talked to my friend Kyle who was also moving to Denver to help with the church plant and told him what I thinking. He just smiled his Kyle smile and said, “That’s pretty crazy man. I always saw you coming with us.” My internal cynicism collided with my goosebumps and for the first time in years I decided to let that be an experience. That was Colorado experience number one.
Alright, if I was going to do this then I would need to see. I needed to see and not just blindly trust what I thought could or could not be God. I’m sitting at the Philly airport waiting for my plane when an announcement is made. "Flight 4758 to Atlanta had been delayed due to inclement weather. Please check with the staff to see if you need to switch over your layover to another connecting city. I headed over to the booth and gave them my ticket. The man looked at it and frowned. “With the delay you will not be to make your connection to LAX. I’ll transfer to a different city. I started almost giggling because I knew what city that would be before he even said it. “Denver”, he said. I smiled and slowly nodded. That was experience number two.
Back in LA and with two experiences in my mind I was still a little doubtful. I wanted even more synchronicity. “Hey God, Blake. If you really want me to go to Denver then just, ya know, send some more signs my way. I really need to make sure this is you.” 15 seconds after I said that I looked to my right and saw my roommates hat hanging there. I never even paid attention to it before but this time it caught my eye and I stared at it for a couple seconds. It was a Denver Nuggets hat. I smiled, headed upstair and put on a podcast. Two minutes in, for some reason or another, Denver was brought up as a topic of discussion. Boom. And if that wasn’t already enough the next day headed home from work I spoke up again. “Alright hey you know what? One more. Just send me one more and I’ll know. If that’s what you really really want me to do then just show me one more time.” I felt I was pushing God’s limits a bit but I was still desperate to see if all these things were just pure coincidence or a true God experience. The light turned green and a car cut in front of me. Instead of getting angry I let out a laugh. That stupid little Prius had a Colorado license plate. Experience number four.
That’s it. I guess I’m going. I don’t know how or when or why… but I’m trusting and I’m going.
That Sunday night, after the church service I was in my dad’s van coming back home from visiting friends. I kept thinking about Colorado and LA, then again about Colorado. I sat a stop sign at one in the morning and got angrier and angrier towards God. Why did He even let me go to LA if I was supposed to be in Denver all along? "Do you know how much time and money I’ve invested into this? Do you understand all this has been a waste?” I was violently shaking and sobbing and punching the steering wheel. I felt so betrayed and let astray. I got out of the van and glared up into sky ready to throw down with the Almighty Himself. Before I could even speak a word I saw a firefly, then another. Then another. I turned around and saw hundreds of them. A quiet voice echoed in my head, “Be still and know. Just be still. Just trust.”
Blake, Who Lives at Home
As my ten year old cousin has perfectly put it, “everyday I sit in school wondering is this the day something exciting happens. I wonder that every day.” I used to be the same way, anxious when the thing would happen to me. I didn’t know what the thing was but I did know that I would chase it when it finally showed up.
Senior year of high school the thing finally happened to me. One night I had a horrible dream. I watched, in slow motion, as one of my friends fell through a windshield and died. I shot awake, covered in sweat, breathing heavily with an uncomfortable weight in my chest. Just a dream, just a dream I reassured myself. I went back to sleep knowing that there was just something a little bit off about it.
The weight in my chest was still there when I woke up and only got worse when I pulled into the school’s parking lot. Just inside the school’s entrance were two girls holding each other and crying. In some sort of weird twilight zone fashion the hallways were surprisingly empty. At this point I started to get excited because this couldn't be a coincidence. This was the thing I’ve been waiting for for so long.
I found a friend in the cafeteria and asked him what was going on. He told me a girl named Brittany Knotts died in a car accident last night and shivers went down my spine.
I was confused because I didn’t know her. Then I realized that my friend Jason knew her really well and he was nowhere to be found. I went looking for him at his house and at this point my heart is racing and my mind is reeling because I knew this is it. I was on an adventure to find some sort of synchronicity and meaning for my life. This was the thing.
Jason’s house was empty and I sat in my car trying to think of what else I could do. The weight in my stomach was becoming more solid and I gripped the steering wheel more tightly. One car sped past me doing 50 in a 25 zone. Then another with emergency lights. I threw my car into drive and gave chase.
I drove as fast as my jeep would let me, going through a small town. The cars were quicker and after just a short anticlimactic chase, I lost them.
I punched the steering wheel and angrily shouted, “God, what… WHAT am I chasing? What is this?” Two seconds after my outburst and I looked up and saw a huge pillar of smoke. Now my mind was really racing. I’m the super hero in this movie and I’m going to run into that burning house and save a life. That’s the only logical conclusion in this bizarre messed up “Jeff Who Lives at Home” scenario.
When I got closer to the fire I only got more confused. It wasn’t a house, it was an amish barn. I didn’t know what else to do so I asked the firefighters if I could get a better look and, of course, they wouldn’t let me any closer. To this day I still regret that I didn’t push them aside and sprint into that building because that would have made a better end to this story. The real ending is that… nothing happened. That was just that.
What was that? I mean, what was that really? Was that all really just one big coincidence? WHAT IS GOING ON?
That happened 8 years ago and I haven’t experienced anything like it since. I’m still holding out that there is a thing that will happen that will make sense of the story.
I guess maybe what I’m trying to say is this. Some people have a thing happen to them and it works. It makes sense. I envy those people but also suspect they are few and far between. Akin to winning the cosmic lottery. And others… Others have to make a thing happen for themselves. Otherwise you’ll just wait and wait for something and when it finally does happen… It turns out it was just nothing all long.
I think I should stop waiting for the thing to happen to me again. Instead I need to make my own thing happen.
Maybe you do too.
Be careful what you wish for.
About three weeks ago I slept in a dirt patch behind some bushes. For over 24 hours I was stuck about an hours drive from my house when my car broke down on the way to work.
Work had already caused my anxiety level to be at a all time high so when my car shut off in the middle of the highway that morning and I had to pull off the road and dodge getting hit I almost immediately had a mental shutdown.
My cell phone service was cut off due to nonpayment so I popped an anti anxiety pill and made my hike to try and find help. Two miles later I see a garage but, lo and behold, they weren’t open for another two hours. So a tow truck and a few hours later the mechanic gives me the news… It’s gonna be a $2000 fix. And there went another pill down my throat.
Nate picked me up after he was done work and was cool enough to give me a ride back the next morning with the plan of me staying at a cheap motel close to work. Sounds like a full proof plan right? Yeah. Sure.
I knew I made a mistake when I saw the motel. I knew I made an even bigger mistake when the woman took my card and swiped it twenty times in a row when her machine didn’t read. I convinced her to give me back the card and I slowly walked away telling her I’ll call my bank to get it sorted out.
I basically sprinted away knowing that I’d get stabbed in my sleep at that place and then tried three different motels and was turned away from all of them for not being able to pay in cash.
There was a Starbucks nearby so I waited there until it got dark. Then I knew that I needed to do something drastic. I needed to rough it out the night.
I found a nice spot of dirt that was somewhat hidden by some bushes off the side of the road and shivered myself to sleep, waking up every other hour so I could see it wasn’t a bad dream.
I slept maybe a total of three hours and then made my way to work.
I’ve realized that the thing I love so much in life has become my life. I am now living in a comedy and that is both the best thing and the worst thing.
EVERY COMEDY INVOLVES PAIN AND UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES. Honey I shrunk the kids is just a story about how an idiot scientist continually puts his family in danger. Ron Burgundy lost the love of his life, his best friends, his career and he watched his dog get punted off a bridge. Those things would be absolutely horrible to happen to you but they’re happening to someone else. It’s like watching someone walk into a glass door they think is open. That is comedy.
That whole experience was so ridiculous and over the top and I only cried a handful of times. I’m super proud of myself of everything I’ve been through these past two months. I literally took a leap of faith moving across the country and only have a few bruises and a sprained ankle to show for it. I asked for this to happen to me, I really really did and I can’t be mad for getting what I wished for.
It was in no way funny at the time. But looking back, I can laugh.
And laughing is exact what I wished for.
Last night was a perfect reminder of why I’m living in LA.
On the corner of Hyperion and Lyric Ave in Los Feliz is a tiny little café . I’ve never been to a café like this in my life. Past the barista on the left is a miniature theater that sits no more than 50 people.
For two hours I watched and I laughed at some fantastic stand up. I compared myself and I told myself not to compare myself and then I gave up completely. I felt defeated before I even began. But I kept watching and I felt something stronger. Hope. That hope is still lingering around my head like a fog (or it could be the LA smog).
Maybe I’m not crazy for wanting this. Maybe, just maybe, I can do this.
Nah, I probably can’t.
Wilfred.
“Happiness is hard to find. Real, true happiness. You’ve got to try taking risks without second guessing yourself or worrying about the consequences. Otherwise, you’ll never really know.”
That quote came from a show where a fully grown man in a dog costume is treated like a real dog. Wilfred.
I was half heartedly watching this episode when that sword of truth pierced through my gut and almost made me bleed man tears from my eyes. It rang true.
With a little more than two weeks from the big move I’m becoming more and more… Hm. I don’t know how I feel.
Trying.
Last week at work I had an epiphany.
Jumahl was in his late forties or early fifties. He was 6'6", obese, a smoker, and a black man. He loved going to the local bars, getting smashed and then hitting on woman. He swore like a sailer and always bragged about the porn he and his wife watched together. The only thing I had in common with Jumahl was that we both hated our jobs.
“So what did you want to do with your life?” I asked.
“I painted. And I was pretty good too. I wanted to be an artist and I actually got a scholarship to an art school when I was younger.”
“What happened?”
“I got busted selling pot. Lost the entire scholarship”.
“Wow.”
“Yeah. It was stupid but I wouldn’t have been anything anyways.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“It’s too hard. I even think about starting painting again but I just get overwhelmed by it. I would not have been successful and I would not have been happy.”
“I don’t think you’re right about that.”
“You know, I know you’re right but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s just too hard. It’s too late for me.”
There was no point in arguing with the man any further. In his own mind he was defeated. I walked back to my station and it hit me in the guts what had just happened.
I had just had a conversation with my future self.
Well, I’m not black, obese and I’ve never sold pot, but I completely understood his mindset. I’ve already given up on myself. I’m setting my course for Disastertown as I type.
My therapist had me write down my list of goals and identify the most important one, the most one that’s most crucial. Writing for a half an hour a day is number one priority. That’s the root of it all, it’s where it all starts and I have yet to sit down for one minute to write a single word of comedic material.
Why?
Because it’s really really hard.
I don’t think you understand so let me explain a little further.
I HATE IT. I HATE DOING SOMETHING HARD BECAUSE WHAT IF IT’S NOT WORTH IT. WHAT IF I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Ahem.
But, as Chris Martin would say:
“But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”
And then Gwyneth Paltrow would say:
“DAMMIT CHRIS I JUST WANT YOU TO LISTEN AND TRY TO SYMPATHIZE WITH ME. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO TRY AND FIX ME??”
I should probably just try. There’s a good chance I could end up like Jamahl if I don’t.
When Anxiety Attacks
Last week I found myself in a small room with one door that only had one handle that was only accessible from the outside. In front of me were magazines that were dated from the 80’s and I looked around and saw that there were no outlets anywhere. A man came in and started asking me questions.
“What year is it? Ok, what month? What day of the week? Do you think you’re a threat to yourself or anyone around you?”
What what what? This does not sound like me at all. What in the what is going on?
24 hours prior to the head doctor asking me if I was going to kill myself, I was at work. Nothing out of the ordinary, I had my headphones on, The Office was playing on my phone in front of me and I was diligently replacing old capacitors with new ones in crappy Comcast boxes.
After the fifth or six episode I switched to some music to pass the time and I suddenly felt the weight of it all. My life, my worries, my dreams and aspirations, my failures. All of it hit at once. I knew right there that I needed to get up, wash my face and stretch my legs or I knew I was going to blow a gasket. I was this close to screaming THERE IS NO GOD and running out of room while tearing off my clothing. But instead I did the same thing I always did.
I ignored it. Buried it. Silenced it.
I put back on some Office and kept working.
The next day I felt strange. I felt outside myself. My mind was racing and would not stop. Somehow I made it back to work and found myself staring at my desk unable to move. This cold lifeless grip was starting to wrap around my neck and I could not, could not stay any longer.
The paranoia and fear was overwhelming and I knew I was going crazy. Crazy? Yes. Possibly a brain tumor causing schizophrenia. I felt the tumor growing inside my brain. Of course it was a tumor! Of course I’m going insane! It all made complete sense. And the more it made sense the more it scared me. But the more I was scared the more my brain ran and more the more my brain ran the more scared I became. The vicious cycle ran over and over and over until I called my mom and went to the ER.
Simple anxiety caused all this.
I’m now on meds and I see a therapist every other week. I have little to no jokes written down and I’ve never been on stage to tell them. I’m already 90% comedian.
I haven’t written in my blog in over a month because I’m afraid it will not be good. I haven’t written any jokes because I’m afraid they will not be good. I haven’t gotten on stage because I’m afraid I will not be good.
Fear and anxiety are ruining my life and I’ve known that for a long time and finally I’m taking the steps that I need to take. I’m moving across the country to do something I’ve never done. I need to do this because deep down I have a simple belief in myself. But it’s buried underneath a ton of fear and worry… but it’s there.
Failure is not an option and anxiety is a bitch.
Podcasts
I have the privilege of being able to listen to whatever I want all throughout my work day. You may think it’s the greatest thing ever… And that’s because it is.
I’m completely addicted to podcasts. They’re free, they're numerous and they are (for the most part) overwhelmingly entertaining. If you don’t know what a podcast is or if the idea of a free conversation from your favorite celebs or comedians bore you, then just stop reading you ignorant schmuck.
Below I have listed my top choices of wasting away your life.
1. You Made it Weird with Pete Holmes
My favorite podcast by far. Pete’s a comedian who interviews other comedians and the occasional actor. The conversations are intriguing, ranging from comedy to relationships and God. Definitely worth a download if you got the time.
I actually take notes whenever something interesting catches my ear that I think will help me with my comic skills.
Watch for Pete’s new talk show on the Conan network. I’ve gotten so much entertainment and advice from Pete’s podcast that I feel obligated to plug as much of his stuff as possible. Also, his comedy album “Impregnated with Wonder” is available on iTunes and is very funny.
He’s such a goofball.
2. The Todd Glass Show
If eccentric silly comedic bits going down endless rabbit holes of pointless conversations accompanied by even sillier over-the-top music and sound drops sound like fun… Then, this is your podcast.
It’s no wonder The Todd Glass Show is voted #1 by the Podcast Association of America. Todd and his comedian friends make this worth a listen.
3. Preston and Steve
Preston and Steve is a radio morning show in Philadelphia. Just a heads up, if you don’t like farts then don’t bother with this show. Other than that, I love it. I never miss an episode.
4. The Joe Rogan Experience
I’m actually very hesitant to even post about this podcast. It is not for the feint of heart. Lots of cursing, trashy talk, crude humor but overall very very fascinating.
I talk to a lot of people who think Joe is very annoying and comes off as pompous but that’s only because they don’t listen to his podcast. Lots of deep conversations about the state of our modern day human condition, speculations of the direction of where our government is going, social taboos (mostly psychedelics), MMA, comedy and much more far out there points of view.
Joe is a very take-no-give-no crap kind of person and calls it like he sees it. Again, if you can’t make it past five minutes of this podcast then it is not for you.
5. Nerdist
Very fun and geeky, very conversationally motivated podcast, which is never short on entertaining guests. I found Zach Braff’s episode to be especially enjoyable.
So that’s it. Podcasts are freaking awesome and if you don’t listen to any then I don’t want to be your friend.